


Lost in My Mind

by MarineBiologie



Category: Keeper of the Lost Cities Series - Shannon Messenger
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-19
Updated: 2020-02-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:27:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22797799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarineBiologie/pseuds/MarineBiologie
Summary: He tried to do everything he could to help her. She had needed him, and he had helped her. But when he had needed her, she left. But he knew that he loved her, that he always had. And he knew that deep down, Sophie was battling her feelings subconsciously, trying to find what she wanted in life.Sophie Foster and Fitz Vacker are together, and Keefe doesn't know what to do. He's lost, battling his emotions while trying to stay strong for the girl he loves, but one day it becomes too much to handle.WARNING!: This fanfiction takes place after Legacy, so if you haven't read that, GO READ IT!! All credit goes to Shannon Messenger, the wonderful author of Keeper of the Lost Cities.
Kudos: 10





	Lost in My Mind

He tried to do everything he could to help her. She had needed him, and he had helped her. But when he had needed her, she left. It wasn't her fault; it was something he had to deal with. But Keefe just wished that she would check in with him every now and then.

Sophie had been the one who had saved Prentice from the terrors in his head. She had rescued Silveny from the wilderness and rehabilitated her. She had cared for Keefe at Alumnivare when he needed her, and that was enough. 

So what did it matter if the girl of his dreams was dating his best friend? What did it matter if the girl of his dreams pushed him away before she even knew how he felt about her? What did it matter if his best friend knew how he felt, but still dated her anyways?

The truth was that it didn't. It didn't matter that Keefe felt betrayed, that he felt ignored. None of that mattered because in the end, Sophie's happiness was the only thing that mattered. Even if Mr. Forkle hadn't made Keefe promise to take care of Sophie, he would try to make her content anyway. Because he loved her, and he always had. And he knew that deep down, Sophie was battling her feelings subconsciously, trying to find what she wanted in life.

When I first heard about Sophie and Fitz's relationship, I gotta say that I took it pretty well.

"Pretty well?! You've gotta be kidding me, Lord Hunkyhair! What's your definition of well, huh? Is it barricading yourself in your room for a week and depriving yourself of sleep, wondering where you went wrong? Geesh! I have half a mind to shove some bacteria up your nose to give you some sense!"

"RO!!!" Keefe snatched his journal (aka diary but he'll never admit to keeping a diary, so now it's his "journal") and hugged it to his chest. "Talk about a lack of personal privacy!"

"Um, I've seen you when you're half asleep and drooling and blabbering to who you think is Sophie but is actually me. Do you know what you've said to her? I mean, me?" Ro crossed her arms and glared at Keefe. "You know, if you had followed my advice and told her how you felt earlier, then this might have not happened... just saying."

"You're not helping my situation right now. All I want is for her to finally come to her senses." Keefe sulked. He chucked his journal across the dorm, and flopped onto his bed. "Go away. I gotta study or Lady Kera's gonna kick me out of elite levels. I mean, like, everyone knows that she's secretly in love with me, but you gotta do what you gotta do."

Ro smiles mischievously. "When you say that, does that mean that you're gonna tell Sophie how you feel? I mean, you gotta do what you gotta do. Right?"

"Don't you dare, Ro. I'm going to tell her when she's ready to hear it. And she's not ready right now."

"Uh huh. You totally haven't been saying that for over three years. Yup."

~A year later~

"You've got to tell her, Keefe! This could be your only chance! I mean, grad is next week, then after Foxfire she and Fitzypoo might get married. Just go up to her, blurt it all out, and remember that you're Keefe, so she's gonna faint from appreciation! That easy!"

Keefe was a mess. His room was chaos, and he hadn't been turning in assignments for over two weeks. He was on the bridge of leaving the Silver Tower, and he hadn't slept in days. He was driving himself crazy, wondering what he could've done to make Sophie realize her feelings for him.

"You can't still be sulking about the fact that they started wearing crush cuffs. I mean, that was ages ago!"

(Correction: ages ago = two and a half weeks ago.)

Keefe groaned and rolled over on his bed. "I can't stop thinking about it! If only I had told her a million years ago. Then I wouldn't be stuck here in this horrid dorm room sulking over my homework."

"Aha! So you admit that you're sulking! For a second I thought that you were ignoring all of reality-"

"Keefe Sencen, Fitz Vacker, Sophie Foster, Dex Diznee, and Bianca Vacker please report to Magnate Leto's office immediately." The intercom blared into the room, and Keefe groaned.

"Great. The only thing I need right now is to see them together."

Teal. Her favorite color. His eyes were teal and beautiful, just like his personality. They walked down the hallway toward Mr. Forkle's office, holding hands and listening to the silence.

Sophie cleared her throat. "Do you think that we're doing the right thing, Fitz?"

He droped her hand and stops in the hallway. His hands hold Sophie's shoulders, his teal eyes peering into hers as he held her at arms-length.

"Sophie. The Neverseen are villains. They've kidnapped you, tricked you, played with your mind. You need to stop doubting yourself and looking at the past and what happened. Okay? I believe in you." Fitz dropped his arms and folded them around her hand. "I believe in us. We will do it. We'll fix this and save the world. Not that the world needs saving when it has you."

Sophie smiled, but her gears had already started turning. What if Fitz got hurt? Or someone on Team Valiant? Dex was ready for revenge for what the Neverseen had done to him in Paris, and Wylie wanted to get back at them for hurting Prentice. Biana wanted to help not only because of her brother, but also because she thought that it was the right thing to do. But there was also Stina. She wanted to help Maruca, who was devastated after the attack on her cousin (cousin = Wylie). And that was what empowered Sophie the most. Because if Stina, her former enemy could trust her and risk her life for her, then she really was doing the right thing. And was that the only confirmation she needed? But maybe she should ask them to not go, because she could do this on her own, couldn't she?

"Hey, you're making that face again, Sophie." Fitz put his thumb under her chin and lifted her face so that she was looking at him.

"What face?" She attempted to smile, but was pretty sure that it came out as a grimace. Oh, why couldn't she mask her emotions?!?!?!

"You know, the face you make when you're overthinking something and trying to make sure you're doing the right thing so you try to reassure yourself but then you end up overthinking it even more and start to doubt yourself, so then you start to panic and try to convince everyone that they shouldn't come because you think that you can do it all by yourself, but then we all get into a shouting match because you know deep inside that the more help the better, but you don't want to endanger them, so then you start to overthink things again and then it comes full circle and happens all over again." He said this in something like three breaths, and Sophie narrowed her eyes at him.

"WhAt? I didn't read your mind, I swear. It's just that you do this so often!" Fitz's hands dropped and he smiled, continuing down the hallway. "You know, you don't have to worry that much. It'll be okay, Sophie."

"It's not like I do that all the time!"

Fitz smirks. "Uh huh. Totally."

"I don't!"

"What about the time with Nightfall? The fake one? And also the real one? And there was also Alluveterre? And Mount Everest?" Fitz smiled and hugged her. "You're so stubborn. And amazing. But we're here for you, Sophie. No matter what." The two of them fall silent as Sophie thinks it over. Could Fitz be right? Maybe I am overthinking everything too much. I need to trust him. And everyone else. We're not going to get anything done if I don't ask them for help. And we're going to need help when we-

"Yo! Can I get in on that hugfest right there? Also Sparkly Boy, you left out Ravagog, or at least according to my imagination you did." Ro bounced down the hallway, her hair in pigtails. She lept towards Sophie and Fitz and swallowed them in an enormous hug. "Also hey, where's that super annoying goblin of yours Sophie?"

"Right behind you."

Sandor emerged from the shadows, waiting for Ro to turn around. She didn't, and instead cartwheeled down the hallway.

"I've been practicing my skills! Now I can do this thing while dodging daggers! Isn't it awesome Sandor?"

Sandor groaned. "Why can't you focus on your charge instead?"

Fitz and Sophie untangled themselves from each other's grasp. "Hey, speaking of, where is Keefe?" Fitz looked down the hallway.

"Oh, he's taking a shower. I'm supposed to go ahead and listen to you guys talk and talk and report back if he doesn't make it in time. Or something like that. Yo Sandor, try me! Target practice!"

Ro jumped to her feet and smiled. "Unless you would rather watch Fitzy and Little Miss Sophie hug and actually show public displays of affection...?"

Sandor grunted. "Sure. Just be warned if I accidentally slice off one of your ears."

"Be careful Ro!" Sophie called. "He's improved too. But we'll go on to Magnate Leto's office without you guys. Be sure to tell us what happens!"

And Sophie and Fitz turned and walked down the hallway towards the closed door. 

"Keefe, what are you doing here? The next meeting is tomorrow, not today." Tiergan said, holding the door to his classroom open.

"I know, and I'm sorry. But I need a breakthrough. Please. They're meeting soon and I need to give them information!"

Keefe had not showered, as Ro said, but had left the Silver Tower and ran to Tiergan's telepathy classroom. During the past year he and Tiergan had been meeting and searching Keefe's memories, trying to find information about the Neverseen while Team Valiant looked for them and their hideouts.

Tiergan sighed. "Keefe, do you have to give them information you don't have? Or is that what you want to do?"

Keefe groaned. "All I want is a stupid breakthrough! How hard is it to think about something? What am I doing wrong, Tiergan?"

"Nothing. You're doing everything perfectly fine, Keefe. You know how hard this process is. If it weren't for your determination I believe we wouldn't have made as much progress as we have."

And that was true. Keefe and Tiergan had found several memories, many of them shattered, but they had made progress. The hardest part of finding the lost memories was not finding it, but Keefe's reaction when he saw it. He's on the verge, Tiergan thought. Just last week Keefe had burst into his room a few hours earlier than their scheduled meeting time, asking for help. The memory they had found that day...

Tiergan rubbed his head, remembering Keefe's memory. 

"Mom? What are you doing?" 

Gisela was bent over a bright green package, a ribbon with dangling from her fingers. "A present isn't a present without a ribbon, isn't that right Keefe?" 

Keefe looked confused but nodded, reaching for the gift. "What's in it?" 

Lady Gisela finished tying the ribbon into a bow and hands it to him. She smiles, a cold glint reaching her eyes, and swiftly walks out of the room, leaving Keefe staring at the green wrapping paper.

"It's a gift for your friend, Mr. Vacker. After all, it is midterms, isn't it? Honestly Keefe, you wouldn't be able to do anything if it weren't for me." Gisela tossed over her shoulder, not bothering to look back. 

"But that last breakthrough was my fault, Tiergan. If I had realized what she did, that it was a tracker, then I could've helped them! I could've kept the Neverseen from finding Sophie! And what I did helped them!" Keefe paced back and forth, eventually dropping into a chair and shaking his head. "I should've realized. I should've stopped her from using me."

"Keefe, listen to me. Listen to me. None of that was your fault. You said it yourself; your mom was using you. It's not your fault. You couldn't have prevented this, and everything that happened was out of your control. You're not to blame-"

"But they don't think so!" Keefe burst. He stood up, his hands clenched into fists and rested at his sides. He sat back down and put his head in his hands. "Sophie doesn't think so."

Tiergan bent down to one knee and looked Keefe in the eye, his hand on his shoulder. "Is that what this is about?"

Keefe started to shake. "I don't know. I don't know. I just need someone who will listen to me and not make it a joke like Ro does, and someone who actually talks to me instead of ignoring me and having fun with her boyfriend and not helping a friend who needs her. But it's okay, because she's happy, but I'm not, and now I'm starting to think that maybe how I feel matters. And it's so overwhelming because all my life I've been trained to read other people's emotions, and not mine, and now I don't know what to do, and I thought that maybe I could talk to you, because I don't want to see them together, not when they won't listen to me. And now I'm realizing how sad it is that my closest confidant is actually a mentor who I don't even have in my classes. But that's the truth, Tiergan, and I don't know what to do."

He closed his eyes and pulled his legs up, and he hugged his knees. Tiergan awkwardly patted his back in what was supposed to be a reassuring manner. "But it's all okay, isn't it? Because you're getting better, and Sophie is happy, and she doesn't know about the whole entire you-think-that-you-revealed-her-location-to-the-Neverseen ordeal? And she also doesn't know that-"

"BUT THAT'S THE PROBLEM!" Keefe jumped up again as his face became red and his shoulders trembled. "That's the problem," he repeated, and he calmed himself down. "That's the problem! She doesn't know anything about me anymore, and it's unbearable, and I know that I'm to blame, and she is so happy without me, so if I tell her about my feelings then what if she becomes unhappy? I just don't know and it's my fault and I'm scared and-"

Keefe shuddered and began to shake violently, his arms wrapped around his shoulders. He collapsed to the ground and became shockingly still, his figure alone and small on the ground.

"Keefe? Keefe! KEEFE! Answer me!" Tiergan shook him, trying to awaken his blank eyes. "What's wrong? Tell me, Keefe!"

Maybe what's going on with him isn't physical, Tiergan thought. He stretched out his mind and reached for Keefe's temples, and dove into his consciousness.

And he found a black, empty void.

"So, since there's the network of bases in Paris, we can start there. But that's why Sophie and I have decided that only a few people should come with us." Fitz smiled at her, and they squeezed each others hands.

Sophie cleared her throat. "So since a really large group might attract a lot of attention, we-"

"Woah woah woah!" Ro interrupted, and she cleared her throat really loudly. "AHEM. So. I gotta speak up for my Keefe. Who said that you two are both going on this mission? Because it sounds like y'all are both going only because you two are a couple now. But does that seem fair?"

Fitz glared at her. "That's not the only reason! We're-"

"COGNATES." Bianca, Dex and Ro all replied at once.

"We've heard that excuse before," Dex said, rolling his eyes.

"For like four years," Biana added, grimacing.

"And since that doesn't count anymore, and the whole girlfriend-boyfriend dealio doesn't work, I declare that you guys don't go on the mission and we just take over! Just me and Keefe and Dex and Biana! And that horse, Silveny, comes too! Okay, bye guys!" Ro smiled and waved, heading toward the door when it opened with a loud thud.

"Tiergan? What are you doing here?" Sophie and Fitz both asked simultaneously.

Tiergan slumped in the door frame, exhausted and catching his breath. "Sophie... help... Keefe's mind is broken." 

Sophie, Fitz and Tiergan ran to the room, with Ro right behind them. Tiergan hurriedly opened the door to reveal Keefe lying on the floor, his body limp.

"He came in for his memory retrieval exercise and when we were talking about what we recovered last week, he started getting upset and then collapsed. I don't know what happened, he didn't seem like he was feeling that much guilt." Tiergan gets to his knees and looks at Sophie. "I was hoping you could help him, Sophie."

Ro burst into the room, her eyes fierce and her arm at her sword. "How is he? What's going on? Tell me what happened!"

Ignoring her, Sophie reached her fingers toward Keefe's temples. "Did you call Elwin yet?"

"I hailed him right before getting you. He said that he would grab his stuff and come over. He should arrive any minute now."

Sophie took a deep breath and steadied her shaking hands. "I... I'm going to start right away, we can't afford to wait, then Keefe's mind will change, and if he comes back, then he'll be even more traumatized."

Fitz looked into her eyes, the teal meeting the brown. "Tell me if I can do anything, okay Sophie? I'm right here, and I can send you a brain push or something-"

"No," Sophie said. Fitz's eyes clouded with confusion as she replied. "No, it's got to be something I do on my own."

"Are you sure, Sophie? We're Cognates. I can help." Fitz's eyes pleaded with her, asking why she didn't trust him enough to help heal Keefe's mind.

I'm sorry Fitz. It's just, it's something I have to do by myself. I don't know how to explain it, but I can feel it, that I need to do this by myself.

Fitz sighed, finally tearing his gaze from her eyes. I just don't get it, Sophie. I'm your friend. I'm your Cognate. I'm your boyfriend. Why don't you trust me to heal my best friend?

Sophie questioned herself. Why didn't she trust him? Then she remembered the days when Keefe approached them in the Golden Tower's hallways, when Fitz walked past him without any acknowledgement. She remembered the days after Keefe came back from the Neverseen when Fitz wouldn't even bother to mention him. And she remembered the days when he asked her if he could do something to help, anything, and she waved him off, saying that she had it all under control. And she knew that she could have done better, that she could have salvaged their relationship. If only she had tried. Then this wouldn't have happened, and Keefe would be alright.

Fitz, ask yourself, is he your best friend anymore?

His face became blank for a second, and he seemed to mouth the words to himself again. He looked at Sophie, his expression grim and sad, and he nodded. Yes to allowing her to do this alone, yes to not treating Keefe the way he should have, yes for regretting everything he did. And he spun on his heel and walked out of the room.

"I'm here! What's going on?!" Elwin ran into the room moments after Fitz left. He knelt down next to Keefe and put on his glasses, his hands waving around and bright orbs of light surrounded Keefe's face. "His vitals seem normal, but he's not responding." Elwin looked at Sophie. "Did you check his mind yet?"

"Actually, I was thinking of trying to fix it. I don't want to lose any more time. Is that okay?" Sophie wrung her hands in anxiousness.

Elwin furrowed his brow. "I don't see how that would harm him... just be careful, Sophie, I don't need another patient today. Do you want us to leave?"

She looked at Tiergan and Ro, who were fidgeting and waiting. "If you could, I think it would be better."

Ro cleared her throat. "Look after my boy, okay Mysterious Foster? And if you don't, you can count on finding some flesh-eating bacteria in your mallowmelt." She sauntered out of the room.

Tiergan placed a hand on her shoulder. "I know that you always had someone there for you during these mind recoveries, but I trust you no matter what happens, Sophie. Listen to your instincts."

"Well, good luck." Elwin seemed to be at a loss of words, and he awkwardly patted her on the back and slowly retreated, closing the doors behind her. 

Sophie closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Clearing her mind, she led her consciousness towards Keefe's mind, and dove into his head.

It was murky. The walls were repeatedly closing in on her, then suddenly expanding. A sudden thumping noise filled Sophie's ears, and the mental version of her flinched. The pounding continued, going thump thump until she realized where she was.

Keefe's heart.

Keefe? I don't know where you are. What happened? She called out, making her way around the deeper parts of his consciousness. I don't know why I'm in your heart, Keefe. Can you explain it? She looked for any warmth in his mind, for any trace of him. Nothing.

I'm going to go through your memories, and find the happy ones. Got it? Nothing harmful. She pulled energy from the back of her mind and sent it all toward his memories.

She called out every happy word she could think of, but nothing happened. But then again, Tiergan said that Keefe didn't feel a lot of guilt. Maybe it was something different that caused him to crack?

And then she saw herself. Or, rather, what she had done. 

She or Fitz hadn't talked to him in forever. His parents neglected him, and his friends left him. All that loss could surely cause a mind to break, right? Because if this wasn't it, then Sophie didn't know what to do.

As soon as she realized what had happened, voices filled her head. Not Keefe's voice, but hers.

The only way you can help is by getting better.

What are you doing here?

I can't trust you, Keefe.

No one knows the real you, so how can I?

Fitz and I are together now.

When she said the last sentence, Keefe's heart slowed down. The slow thumping of it made it sound defeated - like it had lost an important battle. But then the other memories flooded in.

This is the best gift, Keefe! You're really talented!

It's not your fault, Keefe.

Just because you're related to them doesn't mean that you're anything like them.

The heart began to beat faster, and Sophie held her breath. She stretched out her consciousness even more and reached for the back of his mind again.

Keefe? Are you there?

"Hey."

Sophie blinked open her eyes, and saw Keefe sitting upright and looking right at her. Her heart began to beat faster, and she smiled.

"Hi, Keefe."


End file.
